“I’ve been coping with something I know isn’t unique to my life ever since this quarantine began. Today, I’ve gained the courage to share it with you all, and I hope it makes you, or someone you know, feel less alone in the world.
As you can see, my quarantine is somewhat unique. I don’t have any relatives who love me from afar. During these tough moments, I don’t have a mother to Facetime and check in with, or a parent to tell me, “I love you.” Whether there was a global pandemic or not, she would never say those words. Unless they were attempting to deceive me in some way.
My mother is a narcissist with a personality illness called narcissistic personality disorder. She is a narcissist who abuses her victims. A weight was lifted off my shoulders when I learned there was a phrase for the kind of emotional and mental abuse she’s hurled my way for the majority of my life. All those emotions of anxiousness throughout my youth, all the tears, and low self-esteem — I knew it was genuine, but now I had a phrase to describe it. All those years of chopping off my lovely blonde hair because I wasn’t ‘allowed to be prettier than her,’ all those years of being told I was a “worthless accident” made sense now.
My mother has been exploiting the fact that the world has fallen apart due to the pandemic to make me feel particularly bad for not seeing her. ‘You’re a nasty human being for not visiting me,’ she texted me last week, despite the fact that we’re in the thick of a rigorous quarantine. Despite the fact that we haven’t spoken in months, the last text she sent me was, “I’m glad your husband died.” You’ve earned it.’ Early in the morning, at 3 a.m. Somehow, the fact that we are not ‘friends’ has escaped her notice. And now she’s blaming me for not breaking the quarantine to visit her, who lives 3 hours away and with whom I already have no communication. On top of everything else, I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety and fear.
I sent her a box of canned groceries, non-perishables, and toilet paper despite everything she’s done to me. I never received a response. I never received a thank you note. Regardless of what she does or says, I will always be able to care for her. I suppose having the same blood is a curse. I will always be kind to her. But I will never, ever allow myself to believe her vile comments. I’ve been caught in that trap far too many times, and I’m not going to let her ruin my healing process.
If you’re the child of a narcissistic parent, you might discover that they’re using the pandemic to come down harder on you than ever before. Please, whatever the case may be, keep your head up. We’ll make it through. The only thing you should be concerned about is your and your family’s safety and wellbeing. Don’t let them get the best of you.”