“’I can’t do it any longer!’ As soon as my father returned home from work, I screamed at him. I was crying as I stormed out of their house. I’m beyond irritated. I’m at a loss on what to do.
‘What the hell is going on now…?’ He replied with a frustrated tone.
‘I’ve tried everything I can think of to get her to love me, but nothing seems to work. She will always despise me, no matter what I do. She will always turn me down. I can’t go on like this!’
What was my father’s response?
‘Dawn, you have to need your mother if you want her to love you more.’ As he came into their home, he said it quietly.
I stood there stunned, realizing that I would never be victorious. I’d never have ‘That Mom,’ and I’d never had the relationship with her that I’d desired for so long.
I was in my mid-twenties, married, and successful in many ways at the time, but I was still not enough for my mother.
What’s the true issue with my father’s request? My mother had been rejecting me since the moment I was born. She was worried because of difficulties from a prior pregnancy. Her entire pregnancy had been spent attempting to miscarry me. She despised me so much that she couldn’t even touch or hold me when I was born.
I didn’t realize how much I needed her. To change everything now, as an adult, after having spent my entire life fending for myself for so many of my emotional needs? It isn’t possible.
I recognized a few things as I lamented the connection I will never have. I couldn’t make her love me, but I could take the love she had to offer. In the best way, she knew how.
But pay attention to what I’m saying… This isn’t to say that I didn’t set healthy boundaries with her. While she was alive, I did everything I could to keep my heart safe in our relationship.
How did I manage to do that?
I began to limit the amount of time and energy I gave her. If I was already irritable, fatigued, or tender, what would I do? I did not pick up the phone. What if we paid a visit? I went for a shorter visit after stopping for weeks at a time. I didn’t eliminate her; instead, I reduced the amount of time we spent together. This allowed me to appreciate the time we spent together while also protecting me.
I drew out a list of my expectations for her. She was exactly who I had envisioned her to be. She was exactly who I needed her to be. She was exactly who I had imagined her to be. Then I wept for them. I decreased my expectations to the point where she began to surprise me in a positive way.
I armored myself. To me, this meant donning superman underwear, listening to powerful music before arriving at their place, and visualizing a large basket between us while conversing. I imagined all of her words crammed into that space. The good, the bad, the rejection, the scathing remarks, the condemnation, the compliments… it’s all there. Then I imagined myself looking through the basket and selecting what I needed. What about the rest? It’s possible that it’ll end up in the trash.
I also met other ladies her age with whom I could seek counsel, have serious conversations, and who loved me in the way I required.
Rejection is a terrible feeling. Relationships between mothers and daughters may be a nightmare. If this is your situation, I encourage you to take one action toward repairing that connection now. You may never be best friends, but if you work hard enough, you can see through the anger and rejection of her heart. And when you’ve seen a little of her heart? You’ll notice that she loved you in the only manner she could.
You are deserving of healthy love… then you can start to recover from a tumultuous mother-daughter relationship.”
The story and photos: Courtesy of Dawn Taylor