“Let’s normalize smiling at women who have dared to leave their comfort zones and take their kids out for breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even a glass of wine.
Look them in the eyes and smile.
Don’t stare them down with a critical expression on your face. Instead of a gaze that shouts only condemnation, say quietly, “You’re doing fine.”
We’re already exhausted. You don’t need to add to it.
I’ve been so disappointed the last two days of our trip.
I expected people to be more accepting of children. There is a handful, but they are the exception rather than the rule. When my child grins and waves at you, return the smile. It only takes a fraction of a second to brighten his day.
Have we gotten so dissatisfied with our lives that a few seconds of my child sobbing in a restaurant can completely spoil your day?
It’s your fault, not mine if you let my kid’s tantrum ruin your night.
Just keep in mind that I can only teach my children about social situations if they have firsthand experience with them.”
It should come as no surprise to parents that emotional outbursts—tantrums and meltdowns—are the most common problem that brings young children to the attention of a psychologist or psychiatrist.
Tantrums and meltdowns are, without a doubt, one of the most difficult aspects of parenting. They’re difficult to comprehend, even more difficult to prevent, and even more difficult to respond to success when they occur. And when they happen frequently past the developmental milestones—those terrible twos—they can become a major issue for the child, not just the beleaguered adults who have to deal with them.
Meltdowns vs. tantrums
Many people distinguish between tantrums and meltdowns, despite the fact that neither is a medical term. The term “tantrum” is sometimes used to characterize lesser outbursts in which a youngster has some control over his actions. Many parents believe that if no one is paying attention to a tantrum, it will eventually pass. A meltdown, on the other hand, occurs when a youngster loses control to the point where the behavior only ceases when he exhausts himself or the parent is able to calm him down.
Tantrums, whether moderate or severe, are signs that a youngster is having trouble controlling her emotions. According to child and adolescent psychiatrist Steven Dickstein, MD, anger is the most common emotion that causes youngsters to lose their minds and explode up. Think of it as the kid version of road rage. The youngster believes she is entitled to or requires something that is being kept from her—the cookie, the video game, or anything she covets at the toy store—and is overcome by her disappointment and sense of injustice.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is a major trigger; it causes children to panic, overriding the rationality that would allow her to see that her anxiety is out of proportion to the situation.
Causes at the root
There are a variety of reasons why children do not develop emotional regulation as part of their normal development. Dr. Dickstein points out that there is no such thing as tantrum disorder or meltdown disorder. “Tantrums and meltdowns are like fevers—they can be triggered by a variety of issues, and we won’t be able to stop them until we figure out what’s causing them.
In certain cases, the inability to control emotions is the outcome of a deeper issue. The following are some of the most typical causes of frequent meltdowns:
ADHD: According to a recent study by Amy Roy, Ph.D., of Fordham University, more than 75% of children with significant temper outbursts also met the criteria for ADHD. That doesn’t necessarily imply they have ADHD; in fact, in children with a history of aggression, the disorder may be ignored. “What people don’t realize is that a loss of attention, an inability to finish tasks, and the inability to bear boredom, among other symptoms, can lead to the escalation toward violent outbursts,” says Vasco Lopes, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. So you have to get to the root of the problem.”
Anxiety is another significant component. Even if a child does not have a full-blown anxiety condition, he or she may respond to anxiety-inducing events and have meltdowns when overwhelmed. When confronted with an unpleasant or painful circumstance, children with undiagnosed learning difficulties, as well as those who have experienced trauma or neglect, may behave in this way.
Learning issues: It’s conceivable that your child has an undetected learning difficulty if he acts out at school or at homework time. Assume he has a lot of difficulty with arithmetic and that it frustrates and irritates him. Rather than asking for assistance, he may rip up an assignment or start a game with another child to distract himself from his genuine problems.
Depression and irritability: A subpopulation of children who have severe and frequent temper tantrums develop depression and irritability. Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder, or DMDD, is a novel illness that defines children who have major outbursts with chronic severe agitation in between. “Highly irritated children are like water at 90 degrees—always on the verge of boiling,” Dr. Lopes explains. “These kids’ parents are continually walking on eggshells because they react to even the tiniest thing that doesn’t go their way.”
Autistic: Children on the autism spectrum are prone to violent outbursts. These kids are typically inflexible, relying on a constant pattern for emotional stability, and any unexpected shift can set them off. They may also be unable to convey their desires or needs due to a lack of language and communication abilities.
Sensory processing issues: Sensory processing disorders, which are common in autistic children and teens as well as in people with ADHD, can make youngsters feel overwhelmed by stimulation and lead to inconsolable meltdowns.
Competencies that may be lacking
Whatever the source, most mental health professionals believe that children who have frequent emotional outbursts lack specific abilities that would enable them to better deal with situations that cause them irritation, anxiety, or rage. They are as follows:
Controlling your impulses
resolving issues
Putting off gratification
Negotiating
Adults’ wishes and wants are communicated.
Understanding what is suitable or required in a specific situation
Self-soothing
A never-ending cycle
According to Dr. Dickstein, much of the tantrum behavior that parents see as purposeful or manipulative is considerably less voluntary than they believe. That isn’t to imply that isn’t a taught behavior.
Children with major anger issues aren’t deliberately planning to have tantrums, but they may have learned from adults that tantrums produce results. “There is no doubt that children who have not outgrown tantrums have lagging emotional control skills,” Dr. Lopes adds, “but I believe that deficit is sustained and aggravated by conditioned learning.”
If a child confronts a difficulty and doesn’t know how else to deal with it, he may learn that tantrums help him get his way over time. “It becomes a vicious cycle,” Dr. Lopes explains, “because instead of honing and practicing the adaptive skills that youngsters learn to solve problems jointly, these kids learn maladaptive behaviors when they feel frustrated.” They are improving these behaviors over time and applying them in a greater variety of contexts by continuing to practice them.”
Parents are the most important people in the world.
Whatever the cause, psychologists stress that the first step in treating outbursts is knowing the triggers and experimenting with ways to improve the environment to lessen the frequency of outbursts. When it comes to adjusting to a child’s environment, parents are first and foremost.
“We don’t blame parents for tantrums,” adds Dr. Dickstein, “because parents are only one factor in a child’s behavior patterns, which also include temperament and development.” However, because parent conduct is modifiable, it is the most effective tool we have for assisting early children.”